


Not For Me (Nothing Is Worth Losing You)

by Zetal (Rodinia)



Series: Soul Healing [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cas and Sam Both Need A Huge Infusion of Self-Worth, Dying Major Character, M/M, Major Character Injury, also lots of hugs, reference to suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2019-01-04 09:19:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12166017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/pseuds/Zetal
Summary: Anonymous Prompt from Tumblr in response to "I wish you would write a fic where...""...where the last thing Sam wants to do after multiple non-consensual and dubiously-consensual possessions is let something else inside his body to use as a meatsuit... until Castiel appears with injured Grace, reluctantly admitting that without Jimmy's soul helping bolster his Grace to heal himself, he's very likely to "bleed out" and die unless he can possess a soulled vessel. Dean's not able to take his turn housing an angel, but there's nothing Sam wouldn't do for Cas... if the angel agrees."





	Not For Me (Nothing Is Worth Losing You)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for SPN Songfic Challenge Round Fifteen: Season 12  
> Prompt: Bobby Darin, [Not For Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8wFze-AlKE)

If he must die, this is how he’d always thought he’d want to go. So far, he’d hidden it successfully from the Winchesters, but the time was coming when that would no longer be possible. The fight to get Lucifer back in the cage had wounded Castiel more severely than he thought, and he could feel it slowly fading away. The Winchesters had accepted his weakened state, but he hadn’t mentioned that this was degenerative, that he would only get worse until, finally, the light faded completely and Castiel was no more.

He was weak, and accepted their insistence that he stay at the Bunker while he “recovered”. Of course, they would kick him out when they realized he wouldn’t recover, and he would find somewhere to go and quietly destroy himself. Without the Winchesters, he had nothing to live for; without his power, he was of no use to them. That was his fate, one he accepted, but every day he fought to make it through one more day with his family.

He’d hoped, once upon a time, to one day truly be a part of the family, but he’d accepted when Dean kicked him out of the Bunker when he was human and vulnerable that he was not. The Winchesters, when it came down to it, cared about him, thought of him as a friend and an ally and a tool, but despite what they said, they did not think of him as family. Their devotion, their willingness to let the world burn to save the other… that was never going to be for Castiel.

Dean was gone on a trip to Minnesota. Sam hadn’t gone thanks to flu. For anyone less than Jody and Donna, Dean would never have left Sam alone, but it was Jody and Donna, and Cas promised to stay with Sam and look after him even if he couldn’t mojo the flu away. Sam was better now. Castiel could leave, and he could feel that it was getting close to time to go.

 

“Sam?”

Sam looked up from where he was sitting on the hood of Castiel’s truck reading a book on his phone. “Cas. Going somewhere?”

“Yes. Uh, Claire needs some help with…”

“Great!” Sam hopped off the truck and picked up a bag Castiel hadn’t noticed. “Where are we going?”

“Sam, I don’t…” Castiel shook his head. “I’ve got this. It’s not… it’s not a hunt, it’s…”

Sam set the bag down and crossed his arms, waiting for Castiel to try to come up with some kind of lie. When it became obvious that Castiel had nothing, Sam huffed. “See, I’ve been waiting ever since I got better enough to take care of myself for you to try something like this. If you want to leave, I’m not going to stop you, but I’m gonna try to talk you out of it.”

“What are you talking about? I don’t want to leave.”

“Maybe not, but you’re weakening, and you don’t want me or Dean to notice or worry about you so you’ve kept up the act of being fine. Now you’re too weak to do that, so you have to leave, right?” Castiel stared at him. “Trials? I hid what it was doing to me as long as I could, you know? I didn’t want you or Dean to worry, especially since I had a feeling you wouldn’t be able to help. Dad and Dean used to try to hide their illnesses until it was too bad not to, so I wouldn’t worry. You’re one of us, Cas. You tried this that summer we were hunting Dean, too, remember? As the stolen grace started to fade and you started to die? I’m seeing all the same signs now. So tell me. What’s wrong?”

Castiel sighed and shoved his hands in the pocket of his trenchcoat. “I’m dying. The fight with Lucifer damaged my grace, and I can’t repair it.”

“Why not?”

“Because… if I were in Heaven, it would eventually heal. On Earth, I need to draw on the power of my vessel’s soul to keep up with the damage. Since my vessel no longer has a human soul within, and I cannot return to Heaven without being killed… I don’t have much longer.”

Sam swallowed hard. It’s not like he hadn’t expected to hear that there was nothing he could do, but that wasn’t true, was it? There was something he could do. “Would drawing on my soul help?”

Castiel shook his head. “You’re kind to offer, especially after last time you allowed me to touch your soul and discovered that I was no longer exactly me, but while it would help buy a little time, it wouldn’t be enough to reverse the damage. Not without damaging your soul.”

“And that’s already damaged enough, right?”

“Sam, no, your soul…”

“I was joking, Cas. I know you keep saying my soul is fine, that it’s scarred but otherwise healthy, but what if I’m willing to help?”

“Sam, I can’t… I’m not sure I could draw enough power from it in a short time to heal myself now without ruining your soul, killing it, unleashing who you were when you were soulless without the possibility of a cure. I won’t do that to you, especially not just to save my own life.”

Sam shook his head. Castiel wasn't understanding. “What happens to your vessel if you leave it? Would it die?”

“It’s an empty vessel. Autonomic functions like breathing and heartbeat would continue, but without an intelligence in here, there would be no maintenance. No food or water or sleep, and it would need those things, without me.”

“If you left it, and we kept it alive somehow, would you be able to get back in?”

“Yes. The reason we require consent is because of the presence of another intelligence within the body, using the body for its own purposes. An empty body, we can take without problem.”

“All right. Then there is still a way I can save your life.”

“No, there isn’t.”

“There is. You can’t draw enough power from my soul from outside, but from within, you could, right? So do it. Come on in.”

Castiel's eyes went wide, and he took a step back. “Sam, no. I can’t ask that of you.”

“Who’s asking? I'm offering.”

Castiel took another step away from Sam, sorrow haunting his face. “You’ve told me so often how little you feel your body is even yours, how terrified you are of being possessed again. I won’t put you through facing that fear.”

“This is different. This is you. I trust you, Cas. You won’t use me like Meg or Lucifer did, or even Gary. You won’t lie to me about what’s happening the way Gadreel did. You told me once that there was nothing worth losing me for, don’t you think I feel the same way about you?”

“Sam… you know full well that you won’t be able to keep secrets from me. Your privacy is so valuable to you, and I know you don’t tell me everything.”

“You won’t go snooping. Even if you do, I value your life more than my privacy. From you, at least.”

Castiel stared hard into Sam’s eyes, searching his heart and soul for any signs of lies. Sam kept himself relaxed, allowing Castiel to see the truth. “I don’t know how to thank you for this, Sam. I’ll stay dormant and keep to myself as much as possible, but I will need to take over once a day or so to tend to my proper vessel.”

“Thanks. Come on over. Yes.” Sam braced himself for the sensation of invasion, the feeling of being shoved aside. It never came. Instead, a gentle warmth enveloped him, settling in comfortably at the back of his mind. He could feel it, but it wasn’t intrusive or even a minor irritant. It felt good to him. _Cas?_

_I’m here, Sam. Are you all right?_

_I’m great, Cas. I’m gonna put your vessel in one of the empty bedrooms, where it’ll be out of the way. Take as long as you need to get better, I’ll handle Dean if he gets back before you’re well._


End file.
